The Slanch Report

Brazilian soccer superstar Ronaldo was for a time, the greatest soccer player in the world, earning player of the year honors three times, tied for the most ever. He was married to Milene Domingues for several years, she’s a model and considered one of the best female soccer players in the world. Seems like a good choice. Then he started dating MTV VJ Daniela Cicarelli, she’s super hot, but it didn’t last. Consoling himself somehow, Ronaldo began to date Brazilian supermodel Raica Oliviera, professional smokeshow. Well done. These are women a man could be proud of, it seems though, that the AC Milan star has fallen on harder times.

While rehabbing from an injury in Brazil, Ronaldo went out the other night, as any man is wont to do and decided he wanted a little female companionship. Understandable, he’s a man with needs, and an incredibly well-known and respected person in his own country and so, seemingly should be a piece of cake to pick up a woman. Opting for some discretion, Ronaldo and his voracious sexual appetite picked up three prostitutes for a hot 4-way at a nearby motel; in Brazil, where prostitution is legal and sexuality is celebrated, this is nothing out of the ordinary.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your mindset, Ronaldo found that his prostitutes were more than meets the eye. It seems that the shes were really hes and packing some different equipment than the footballer was expecting.

Like a gentleman, Ronaldo offered the three transvestites about $600 to keep it quiet and for their time, two of them agreed immediately but one saw it as an opportunity. Instead, Andreia Albertini, transvestite hooker, decided to try and extort Ronaldo to the tune of $30,000 to keep the whole story quiet or else he’d post a video on the internet.

According to the police inspector on the case, Carlos Augusto Nogueira “Ronaldo had not committed any crimes by contracting the men, but he is looking into other claims [that Ronaldo threatened the she-men].

‘He just wanted to have fun and meet some other people outside his usual environment,’ Nogueira said. ‘There is no crime at all.’ He added: ‘[Ronaldo] is quite shocked. He said he just wanted to have some fun and for the press not to be informed about this. Ronaldo told me he is suffering some psychological problems as a result of his injury.”

Sounds like mission accomplished, after all, he did meet some new people! As for the press not finding out well…

It looks like Ronaldo needs to get back onto the field ASAP because when he’s playing and with a hot woman he’s an unstoppable force, when he isn’t he’s just another john picking up transvestites. Someone get this man a supermodel, STAT!