The Slanch Report

What in the world is going on over at USC, the Trojans are becoming more and more of questionable program. First there was the video of Pete Carroll and hundreds of shirtless teenagers and now the team is besieged by a devastating ailment, jock itch! I didn’t realize that Paris Hilton was back dating Trojans, I always figured after Leinart she would have moved on, especially since their name is a condom brand and condoms are her kryptonite…

According to the kicker, David Buehler, over 25% of the team is currently afflicted with the terrible infirmity. But what does the kicker know, I buy that he spends a lot of his time thinking about his teammates crotches, but, I don’t buy that they actually talk to him enough for him to come up with such a number.

Receiver Travon Patterson was sufficiently “under the weather” that he was forced to the sidelines during practice announced “It burns” as he left the field. Yeah, maybe she should stop boning all those dirty USC girls and just stick with the ones WITHOUT visible outbreaks… Or maybe that’s just the code I live by, I’m not a college football player after all…

The issue, which Pete Carroll refers to as “chafing” is that “We’ve had to adjust to some new equipment that we’re wearing that didn’t work out right,” he said. “It’s funny how that happened.” I bet the players are laughing their ASSES off about it right now.

Well, even if they aren’t I can.