The Slanch Report

In order to beat the oppressive pollution conditions, Olympic athletes are looking around for ways to combat the haze and smog which can make visibility difficult. The British women’s field hockey team has taken an unusual approach so they can continue their run toward the gold, red contact lenses. Apparently the red provides enhanced visibility through the smog. After practicing on the Chinese island of Macau, the women found that with the contact lenses they could perform significantly better and their vision was drastically increased. Not to mention that it also is semi-terrifying, if I were the coach of that team I would insist that each of the players eat some alka-seltzer tablets during the game or pop blood packets and just let the blood and/or foam drip down the women’s faces, but then again, I haven’t been allowed to be an Olympic field hockey coach since the ’84 games. How was I supposed to know that if you hit a ref with a stick that they’ll go unconcsious?!?