Archive for October 27th, 2009


Phillips Enters Sex Addiction Rehab, Sounds Like Fun!

Steve-phillips-fired-from-espn(1)After being unceremoniously canned by ESPN late Sunday night, now-former BBTN analyst Steve Phillips did the only super cliche thing left to him, enter a rehab facility. Because after all, the American public will forgive and forget ANYTHING so long as you at least make a cursory “attempt” to get help. This isn’t a PR ploy though, after all, Steve

“really needs help, and this was the best way to do it,” said his agent, Steve Lefkowitz, in describing his decision to attend a high-priced facility — in a mystery location — that specializes in sex-addiction treatment.

“It was a bid to keep his life. He’s going in for an illness,” Lefkowitz said. “The problem is, he fell off the wagon.”

I had no idea there were high-priced facilities to treat sex-addiction, I just thought you send someone off to one of the Hedonism resorts and let them sate their appetites for a week. I know sex addiction is a real issue that can be a hardship for many people, but it’s hard to look at as anything but fun. I mean, if you’re a sex addict and you get sent to a place filled with other sex addicts is a bad idea, especially when you’ve had a vasectomy and anything goes. Unless of course you have terrible taste in women. Uh-oh! Steve Phillips is in trouble…

[NY Post]



340 Yards to the Pin? Gimme the M-16 and Stand Back

Recovered RiflesPGA Tour rules maintain that a golfer can carry no more than 14 clubs in his/her bag during a tournament. There isn’t any limit on how many guns you can carry in the bag as well though. This is a lesson that Juan Gibson, a 16-year-old in Palm Beach, Florida and a friend of his learned after Gibson decided to rob his former neighbor’s house and grab the guns he knew to be there. Of course, transporting 13 guns can be a bit onerous, so Gibson and his friend loaded them into two golf club bags as camouflage.

Then, as any normal 16-year-old toting a mini-arsenal of guns would do, they rode the public bus and headed home. Unluckily, a police officer noted the two boys carrying abnormally heavy golf bags and called in backup to investigate. After being stopped by a patrol unit, the boys started fighting the police and then attempted to make a getaway; Gibson was nabbed but his friend managed to get away. The 13 rifles, shotguns and assault rifles were recovered and returned to their owner, who I’m sure needed to have all of them back, because really, a half-dozen assault rifles is just never enough for home defense, you need that full bakers dozen.



Football Field is Going to the Birds

Piper High School Owl on Football FieldIn Sunrise, Florida, the Piper High School football team have been evicted from their field, and forced to move their final two games thanks to the owls. No, that’s not a local gang of toughs, or a rival high school but ACTUAL owls who, under Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission rules are classified as species of special concern. With their habitats threatened, some burrowing owls have made their homes on the 25 and 35-yard lines making it impossible for the football team to get on the field for practice or games.

Piper athletic director Tom Marante, named two of the owls Stan and Gladys and said he saw them Wednesday morning by their burrow. “They were just there staring at us, like asking ‘What are you looking at?’ ”

The Piper team (3-3) are less than psyched about losing their turf and will be forced to play their final games elsewhere, including their Senior Night game and don’t consider themselves fans of the owls.

“They’re small, but I don’t want to get close to them,” said Piper senior cornerback Nevin Lawson.



Hey Ref, Why Don’t You Get Lost

During the Ducks/Leafs Monday night Anaheim’s enforcer George Parros squared off against Toronto’s resident tough-guy Colton Orr. The two tangled and threw a number of punches at one another, most of which glanced off the various pads they wore. As the fight seemed to wind down, one of the refs came close to try and separate the two pugilists and cart them off to the penalty boxes, the fighters were not down though. As the linesman approached Orr’s arm came out and shoved him to the ice, allowing Parros an opportunity to take down Orr with a right-hand punch and get him on the ice.


A Yankee Killer Doppelganger

It’s been far far too long since we’ve had a doppelganger up, and in honor of game 1 of the World Series tonight we have a doozy for you.  Please make sure to VOTE in the poll below as well as visit the permanent Doppelgangers page to see the many other fabulous doppelgangers we have assembled.

When he was hired by the New York Yankees to be their manager, Joe Girardi took the uniform number “27” to show that he was being brought in to win championship #27 for the franchise. With calls for his head after last year’s disappointing non-playoffs finish, Girardi has somewhat redeemed himself by getting to the World Series this year. Then again, he completely mismanages his bullpen, makes decisions that seemingly make no sense and doesn’t always deal with the press in the best manner. Exactly what you want from the manager of the highest paid team in the history of baseball. Despite lacking opposable thumbs, in Jurassic Park the velociraptors prove to be the most deadly killing machines in the park. Sure, T-Rex has all the size, but look at those puny arms, the raptors meanwhile hunt in packs, communicate with one another and can jump and run like they’re in the Olympics. Basically, if it’s you or them, they’re going to win. You don’t mess with the raptors or they’ll cut you in half, here’s hoping the Phillies can likewise eviscerate the Yanks in this series.

Don’t forget to VOTE BELOW only YOU can make sure this doppelganger makes its way to the permanent page!


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The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

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October 2009