The Slanch Report

There you are, just another normal day, getting a tour of Fenway Park with one’s middle school and then BAM! Hawk attack! It could happen to you. Or rather, it did happen, to this girl.

Apparently during the winter months hawks often make their homes up in the rafters of Fenway eating tasty mice and rats until the season starts and the massive crowds force them to find new digs. Then this middle school girl from Bristol, Connecticut had the gall to stand there idly minding her own business about 40 feet away from the hawk’s egg that it was protecting. Taking umbrage it seems, the hawk attacked, talons out. Fortunately the girl was taken to a hospital and wasn’t harmed at all. Still, that makes for quite the return bus ride to Connecticut. When appraised of what had happened, Hank Steinbrenner refused to be outdone and announced that from now on pumas will be given free rein of Yankee Stadium. “We want to be at the forefront of providing our fans with an experience they will never forget. Puma’s are majestic, beautiful creatures and we look forward to a long, fruitful partnership with them.” Steinbrenner announced in a statement beamed directly to my brain, “Our fans are so special to us, and to give them the opportunity to be that close up to such a deadly animal is a memory that they will all treasure as we play this final season at the Stadium.”