Archive for the 'Douches' Category

09
Jul
09

Canseco Soon to Be Beaten By Wing Champion

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Baseball and Douches
Tags: , ,

203Because he always needs money and desperately needs attention, Jose Canseco has agreed to enter the boxing ring once more, this time against competitive eating champion Bill “El Wingador” Simmons (left). Canseco in three previous fighting matches has been knocked out by a former Philadelphia Eagle, fought to a draw against DANNY BONADUCE, and was pummeled by 7′2″ Korean kickboxer Hong Man Choi, so I’m sure Simmons is VERY intimidated by Canseco’s prowess.

The fight will be on July 24th although the venue is yet to be announced; I’m sure ticket prices will be low and there will be plenty of empty seats.

Simmons — who has won the illustrious Philadelphia Wing Bowl a record 5 times — came out of retirement in 2008 to compete once more, finishing in third with a personal record 205 wings eaten in 2 minutes. I imagine his farts alone can knock out Jose.

[Celebrity Boxing]

08
Jul
09

Carlos Beltran Signed to Sex Offenders List

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: ,

From the Boston Globe:

Five potentially dangerous sex offenders are being added to the Most Wanted Sex Offender list maintained by the Massachusetts State Police and the Sex Offender Registry Board.

The five were identified by State police today as:

Carlos I. Beltran who is wanted by Haverhill police for indecent assault and battery on a person over 14 and failure to register as a sex offender. The 43-year-old is also being sought by Newton Police for violation of an abuse prevention order.

Don’t worry Mets fans, it turns out there are other people with the same name…

01
Jul
09

Isiah Thomas Forces College Cheerleaders Into Bikini Car Wash

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome, Basketball, Douches, Hot Women, Other Sports and Random
Tags: , , ,

In April, Florida International University made the questionable choice of hiring Isiah Thomas as their new men’s basketball coach. The hiring was idiotic; he’s never been a good coach, he’s been terrible in management positions and of course, his personal behavior can be a bit, er, erratic shall we say. Throw in that Thomas was given a 5-year $5 million contract, (although he has said he will donate his first year salary BACK to the school) and the decision makes zero sense. Now, thanks to adding in Thomas’ big money deal, the school is forced to make cutbacks elsewhere. First off, and most horribly, the cheerleading team is being scrapped!

In order for the program to be saved, the cheerleaders need to raise $50,000, which they have been attempting to do via bake sale, bikini car wash (yes!) and of course, a calendar. Now, if only the school had some money lying around, hmmm, if only they didn’t wastefully spend it on a basketball coach who will leave the program in tatters and produce zero success. If only!

Of course, if this turns out to be a move solely to prevent Isiah Thomas from being around cute college co-eds, I

wholeheartedly support it and retract all my criticism.

[Online Sports Guys]

23
Jun
09

Where A Bike is More Important Than a Person

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches, Football, Other Sports, Poor Governing and Random
Tags: , , , ,

armstrong_lanceJust another follow-up to the Donte Stallworth justice system debacle; Lee Monroe Crider, 40, pleaded no contest and received a 3 year prison sentence for second-degree burglary and grand theft for stealing Lance Armstrong’s custom $10,000 bike. Crider’s co-defendant Dung Hoang Le received a 90 day sentence and three years probation on a misdemeanor charge.

That means that for stealing a BICYCLE, one man will be penalized 3 times as much as Donte Stallworth was for KILLING a PERSON, and the other receives a mere 1065 MORE days in prison than Stallworth will be getting. It must be nice to be able to buy your way out of consequences. I officially give up.

[ESPN]

22
Jun
09

Who Knew I’d Ever Side With a Yankee Fan

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , ,

Here’s a scream-filled fight video from the game yesterday between the Marlins and Yankees down in friendly Florida. Some father, along with his young daughter intends to take in the game and instead has some crazed other fan attack him. Now, obviously, something was said earlier that set this all off prior to the video rolling but at least in the video it’s clear who was the aggressor. I will say the attacker makes a pretty crazy leap towards the dad, and the guy who is filming it makes a nice understatement when he turns the camera on himself and says “Holy shit!”

Happy Father’s Day!

22
Jun
09

More Examples of Why John Sterling Sucks

By slanch 3 Comments
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: ,

I’m on record saying that I think John Sterling is possibly one of the WORST baseball announcers to listen to. For a man in his 60s to keep using and overusing such hokey, lame home run calls as he does is inexcusable. Now, obviously, I’m no Yankees fan, but I would hope that any reasonable Yankees fan would agree that Sterling comes off as a tool of the largest order when he makes such calls as “It’s a text message, from Teixeira” when making a home run call. Just describe the goddamn game and tell me what’s happening. I find it astonishing that for a team with as much money as the Yankees that they have the most unwatchable TV broadcast (with Michael Kay and Ken Singleton) and the most unlistenable radio broadcast (Suzyn Waldman makes me want to insert a chisel into my brain.)

Anyways… Here is John Sterling doing his “Yankees Win” call after a game last season. Look at how he looks around immediately afterwards seeking approval from those around him. If you’ve never seen a 60 year old shake and shimmy like this before you’re lucky; it’s an image that won’t leave your brain soon.

19
Jun
09

Place Your Bets on Their Wandering Eyes

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Celebrities, Douches, Football and Random
Tags: , , , ,

kim-kardashian-grinding-reggie-bush_1_1I couldn’t care less about Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush’s relationship, I care little about either person and she’s not close to hot enough for me to put any effort into her. That said, I both find it amusing, and a tragic sign of our culture that you can now bet on whether or not they will cheat on one another.

Online sportsbook Bookmaker.com has odds for several celebrity couples being caught in a cheating scandal, including Kendra Wilkinson and Philadelphia Eagles receiver Hank Baskett, who according to the line are the most likely to cheat. Following them are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and then in the third spot, are Kardashian and Bush.

I’m saddened to see that this is even a possible bet you could place. You know you’ve reached full-on degenerate gambler status if you’re placing online bets on celebrity couples’ sex live.

[The Online Wire via Trojan Empire]

16
Jun
09

Wherein the Justice System is Flawed and Bulls*!t

By slanch 6 Comments
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , ,

On March 14, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth, while driving drunk, struck and killed a pedestrian. On May 20, Michael Vick was released from prison after serving 21 months in prison for his role in a dog-fighting ring and has another 2 months under house arrest.

With today’s plea agreement, Donte Stallworth will be serving a grand total of 30 DAYS in prison for getting behind the wheel and KILLING a person. In addition Stallworth made an undisclosed agreement with the family of the victim for financial compensation. He will serve 30 DAYS in prison. FOR KILLING A PERSON. Michael Vick, kills and hurts some dogs and serves 21 MONTHS.

Continue after the jump for my full opinion about this ridiculous situation

Continue reading ‘Wherein the Justice System is Flawed and Bulls*!t’

11
Jun
09

Face Meet Fist

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches and Soccer
Tags: ,

Not content with letting England get all the credit for soccer hooliganism, one Mexican soccer fan does his best to make sure his home country gets its due too by punching a woman sitting next to him in the face. If there are classy things than that, I don’t know them.

(Since I can’t stop the video from auto-playing, after the jump check out the video) Continue reading ‘Face Meet Fist’

09
Jun
09

Yankees Fan Smuggles Grass into Phish Show

By slanch 9 Comments
Categories: Baseball, Boston and Douches
Tags: , , , , ,

fenway_seedsA week ago I took to the friendly confines of Fenway for the beginning of the Phish summer tour; I was there in the spirit of fun and to enjoy myself, some in the crowd had ulterior motives. Ian Ferris, 30, of Shelburne, Vermont, a manager of a Hooters in Vermont came to the concert and smuggled in some grass.

Unlike the other 40,000+ people who were at the concert and smuggled in their own grass, Ferris’ was of an evil nature. While everyone else was lighting up and smoking theirs, Ferris was maliciously tossing seeds from his bag of Yankees grass (available for purchase at the stadium and online), onto the blocked off infield grass all in an attempt to counterbalance the effects of the once-buried David Ortiz jersey in the new Yankee Stadium.

“This is payback. If even one blade of grass sprouts on the field, I feel it was a success,” he said.

Gino Castignoli, the construction worker who planted the uniform in the first place though is unimpressed.

“My curse is working,” he said. “It’s typical of a Yankee fan to think you can buy a jinx in a bag. When will they learn, you don’t win with your wallet but with your heart?”

How dare Ferris come into Fenway for a light-hearted affair like Phish and taint it. The concert had NOTHING to do with Red Sox/Yankees, it’s like chanting “Yankees Suck” at a bar mitzvah, it’s just unnecessary. Also, anyone from Vermont who is a Yankees fan is a douchenozzle of the utmost and most likely a bandwagon loser fan. Just saying…

[NY Post]

26
May
09

No Way Jose

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome, Baseball, Douches, Other Sports and Random
Tags: , ,

Jose Canseco finally made his MMA debut yesterday, entering to the song “Wild Thing” against 7′ 2″ 33o pound Hong Man Choi in Yokohama, Japan. Unlike Canseco’s last foray into the ring — against noted pugilist Danny Bonaduce — where the fight was called a draw, this one ended in a clear decision; 77 seconds into the fight Canseco tapped out.

“That’s a big man,” Canseco said after the fight. “I ran into one of his left jabs and that almost knocked me out. You have no idea how scary it was facing a man that big.” Canseco landed the first punch of the evening an instant into the fight but that was the extent of his inflicted damage, from then on Canseco danced around the ring doing his best to avoid the long reach of Choi. While trying to get away from Choi, Canseco grabbed at his knee at one point and then tried to kick Choi a second later, Choi pushed the former baseball star to the mat and started pummeling his head. Once more left with just the coward’s way out, Canseco tapped out.

“I hurt my knee back home real bad but I didn’t want to disappoint the fans,” Canseco said. “I knew that at some point during the fight my knee was going to give out and once I was down I knew I wasn’t going to get up. He’s just too heavy to move.”

I am incredibly confused though about one thing; when Canseco fought Bonaduce his body was COVERED in tattoos but against Choi, Canseco just had a couple arm tats, what happened to the other ones? For photographic comparisons, take a gander after the jump.

[The Sporting News and AP]

Continue reading ‘No Way Jose’

18
May
09

Ron Artest is a Man of Fine Musical Taste

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome, Basketball and Douches
Tags: , ,

017026690From the post-game press conference after game 6, here is Ron Artest talking about some of the best new music out there:

Five dollar footlong is one of the best songs, that’s a hot song. You’ve got the freecreditreport.com, and then five dollar footlong comes on. When five dollar footlong comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club.

Considering that Artest has his own music “career,” he MUST know what he’s talking about; they just don’t let ANYONE record an album.

Ron, you will NOT be DJing my next party.

[Dick Fundy]

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