Water Water Everywhere (Except at Cavs Games)

quicken-loans-arenaRecognizing that with the end of the season likely comes the end of the LeBron Era in Cleveland the Cavaliers are doing all they can to facilitate their fans getting drunker. The first step was removing all the water fountains from Quicken Loans Arena.

In November the team took out all the fountains to, as they insist, reduce the spread of bacteria and viruses, including the swine flu. Now, patrons who want water during the game have several options, they can wait in the concessions line and get a complimentary cup of water, pay $4 for a bottle of Aquafina or buy watered down beer and get wasted.

The team claims that they took their cue from the NBA and the International Association of Assembly Managers who recommended the move. The only problem is that BOTH groups said they DON’T recommend removing water fountains.

“We have not made any recommendations for teams to turn off water fountains. That is strictly for teams to decide in their own market,” NBA spokesman Brian McIntyre said.

Local Cleveland health officials said that research does not suggest turning off water fountains as vital to fight the spread of viruses.

“There is nothing out there that suggests that water fountains are a particular concern,” said Matt Carroll, director of the Cleveland Department of Public Health. “I’m not aware of places that have turned off their water fountains.”

Once informed of these opinions, Cavaliers spokesman Tad Carper tried to backtrack as best he could. “It’s a decision that we made, ultimately. We felt comfortable about doing that and that it was the right thing to do, and we still feel that way,” Carper said. “We wanted to provide the healthiest environment we could for our fans.”

The real reason the team did it is obvious though, as 17-year-old fan Matt Woods notes, “The reason is so you have to buy a $4 water,”

Although Carper finds that simplistic explanation crazy.

“That’s simply absurd,” Carper said. “That never crossed our minds.”

I know PR people are constantly lying, but that has to be one of the most bald-faced lies I have EVER read. Yeah, I’m sure the team was ASTONISHED that they might make more money by removing the free options and instead putting people in line where they are far more likely to buy other items as well. Fucking assholes.